In our relationship, it wouldn't be 100 % true if I said that J has all the power. There's little places here and there where I have it. Things where there's no denial that *I* have control of it, sure if need be he has the final say because after all HE is the HOHbut I mean I have these things under control. There is also one major thing that I control - The Money - untill now anyways. I guess I was being cocky about it, maybe. All "woohooh I control this aspect of our lives!!" Maybe. I never overspend; I am really good at budgeting and it hasnt been a problem. Well money wise it hasnt. But I guess I was taking it to my head lately, or in J's words "I give you an area you can have the power in and you take advantage of me. You think you can control everything and thats not how we work"
Ugh. Whatever. (oops dont tell him i said that)
So "for now" he is taking that part. I have no power anymore. I can make suggestions and he will take my input into consideration, but the final say is his.
Honestly I hate this. I was loving having that power. I can admit though that I would go on power trips with it.
He said that this is to remind me of our roles. It's to remind me that he is the one in charge and when I am given the drivers seat of an area I still have to act respectful.
He also said this isnt permanent and that I will slowly earn it back when I can show him respect.
I can admit that I deserve this and I actually feel really bad. I dont want to go into great deal but in short I was VERY immature and disrespectful. UGH! Why Melly!?!?
I know I said this already, but I HATE this! I really REALLY hate this!
Melly
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
No Inches Will be Given
"Can we take a break from this? Please?"
"From DD, or us all together?"
"No baby, not from us, never from us; Just from ttwd"
I will admit this:.. I. Melly. Was. Testing. I have no clue why. Usually I dont test him, but I wanted to see how consensual ttwd actually is. I mean i KNOW its consensual, but, maybe(gulp) i was playing games. I wanted to see if he would give in.
"I don't get where you are coming from. Are you serious about this?"
"Yes, I think I am. I just want to see how life would be if I didnt have to always have in the back in my mind think I could possibly be punished. I want to be able to just make decissions on impulse. Not have to worry about your reaction."
"Uh huh. I see. I'll tell you what. It's 9:06 pm, I will give you just under 48 hours. At 9:00 pm in two days we will talk again. If you are still serious, we wont do it anymore"
That wasnt good enough for me.
"Well Im telling you right now that I dont want to, but youre telling me I have to wait 48 hours? what about till then? What if a do something worthy of a spanking before then? Are you going to spank me even though I am telling you I want a break?"
"No. For 48 hours I will not spank you. However I will still keep an open mind to what you do and if you decide you still in factly want DD then i will hold you accountable. Do you understand?"
"okay. sounds good. 48 hours. thank you."
Because I knew that I indeed didnt want to take a break, i was a perfect little angel. Okay not completely, but I was pretty good. those 48 hours past and at 8:57 he texted me.
J: So its almost 9. I am laying down. Join me when you are ready to talk.
I wanted to play just one more game ;) (okay I can hear you all gasping, I know, bad. I get it)
Me: k. i will be there in a few. but jut so u know, I havent changed my mind. in fact my thoughts deepened and i think that instead of just taking a break, i want to call it quits.
J:wow. okay well i guess we will talk when you get in here.
I walked into the bedroom and layed beside him. Either of us said anything for a few minutes. Suddenly he spoke.
"So, youre really done with Domestic Discipline, hey?"
"Yes, I just want to be my own boss, you know?"
"Oh, okay then, I.." I quickly interrupted him. I hated this. I had no clue why I was playing this game and I was full of guilt. Guilty of playing games, of testing, of lieing.
"Honey, before you continue, I need to tell you something. Please don't be mad at me, but i can understand if you are. I really don't mean any of this. As much as I don't like the punishment as they're happening, the truth is I cant imagine us without it. I need you to lead me. I need to submit to you. You need those things too and you know it. I know this isn't forced upon me but I was just testing the water to see how you would react IF I really said I was done. I am sorry"
His face went through a range of expressions. finally he said "Wow. I don't know what to say. I don't know if I should be worried as to why you wanted to test the waters, i mean was there a reason you wanted to test them? Do you not trust me completely?"
"No, i really do. please don't think I don't. I just, I guess, I was reading around blogs and stuff and I was reading peoples comments saying us women in DD relationships are brain washed by our men to do this. I guess I just wanted to see HOW you would react."
"Hmm. Well no, I don't brain wash you, you KNOW that. You know that you can say no to DD at any given time" the he chuckled "just dont say it right before a spanking because that wont fly"
I smiled. "I know hun, Im pretty sure we have been down that road once or twice" (I may have used the whole "I dont want to be involvved in DD anymore!" line once or twice to try to avoid a spanking)
"Well I'm happy you still want this lifestyle. I'm also happy you didnt take your little joke any farther, however I do believe playing games and being testing are both spanking offenses around here. Oh and you lied."
"Whaaa? You are going to punish me for this!?" (really dont know why i didnt see that coming)
"Yes. I really think I should. As much as I do understand where you were coming from you are still guilty of lieing, playing games, and testing me. All 3 of those are major things sweetie. If I let you get away with this, I will be giving you an inch and we both know how fast your inched turn to miles" I couldnt deny that. He was very right.
"Okay, I get it. but I think you should go easy on me."
"I will decide that."
We talked abit more, he made sure I knew why he felt the need to punish me. I got what I wanted by him being easy. He started with his hand, then went to his belt. It was short. then he used a homemade paddle type thing we have, for some minor offenses that occured over those two days. (sass, attitude, etc)
"Just want to make sure our roles are re-established and you know im not giving you an inch" He said as he paddled.
Overall the spanking was easy. Completely pain free come morning.
I am happy to know that if I ever really wanted to end DD that I could; But as much as being punished sucks, I dont see myself doing that anytime soon. I get comfort in DD.
Melly
"From DD, or us all together?"
"No baby, not from us, never from us; Just from ttwd"
I will admit this:.. I. Melly. Was. Testing. I have no clue why. Usually I dont test him, but I wanted to see how consensual ttwd actually is. I mean i KNOW its consensual, but, maybe(gulp) i was playing games. I wanted to see if he would give in.
"I don't get where you are coming from. Are you serious about this?"
"Yes, I think I am. I just want to see how life would be if I didnt have to always have in the back in my mind think I could possibly be punished. I want to be able to just make decissions on impulse. Not have to worry about your reaction."
"Uh huh. I see. I'll tell you what. It's 9:06 pm, I will give you just under 48 hours. At 9:00 pm in two days we will talk again. If you are still serious, we wont do it anymore"
That wasnt good enough for me.
"Well Im telling you right now that I dont want to, but youre telling me I have to wait 48 hours? what about till then? What if a do something worthy of a spanking before then? Are you going to spank me even though I am telling you I want a break?"
"No. For 48 hours I will not spank you. However I will still keep an open mind to what you do and if you decide you still in factly want DD then i will hold you accountable. Do you understand?"
"okay. sounds good. 48 hours. thank you."
Because I knew that I indeed didnt want to take a break, i was a perfect little angel. Okay not completely, but I was pretty good. those 48 hours past and at 8:57 he texted me.
J: So its almost 9. I am laying down. Join me when you are ready to talk.
I wanted to play just one more game ;) (okay I can hear you all gasping, I know, bad. I get it)
Me: k. i will be there in a few. but jut so u know, I havent changed my mind. in fact my thoughts deepened and i think that instead of just taking a break, i want to call it quits.
J:wow. okay well i guess we will talk when you get in here.
I walked into the bedroom and layed beside him. Either of us said anything for a few minutes. Suddenly he spoke.
"So, youre really done with Domestic Discipline, hey?"
"Yes, I just want to be my own boss, you know?"
"Oh, okay then, I.." I quickly interrupted him. I hated this. I had no clue why I was playing this game and I was full of guilt. Guilty of playing games, of testing, of lieing.
"Honey, before you continue, I need to tell you something. Please don't be mad at me, but i can understand if you are. I really don't mean any of this. As much as I don't like the punishment as they're happening, the truth is I cant imagine us without it. I need you to lead me. I need to submit to you. You need those things too and you know it. I know this isn't forced upon me but I was just testing the water to see how you would react IF I really said I was done. I am sorry"
His face went through a range of expressions. finally he said "Wow. I don't know what to say. I don't know if I should be worried as to why you wanted to test the waters, i mean was there a reason you wanted to test them? Do you not trust me completely?"
"No, i really do. please don't think I don't. I just, I guess, I was reading around blogs and stuff and I was reading peoples comments saying us women in DD relationships are brain washed by our men to do this. I guess I just wanted to see HOW you would react."
"Hmm. Well no, I don't brain wash you, you KNOW that. You know that you can say no to DD at any given time" the he chuckled "just dont say it right before a spanking because that wont fly"
I smiled. "I know hun, Im pretty sure we have been down that road once or twice" (I may have used the whole "I dont want to be involvved in DD anymore!" line once or twice to try to avoid a spanking)
"Well I'm happy you still want this lifestyle. I'm also happy you didnt take your little joke any farther, however I do believe playing games and being testing are both spanking offenses around here. Oh and you lied."
"Whaaa? You are going to punish me for this!?" (really dont know why i didnt see that coming)
"Yes. I really think I should. As much as I do understand where you were coming from you are still guilty of lieing, playing games, and testing me. All 3 of those are major things sweetie. If I let you get away with this, I will be giving you an inch and we both know how fast your inched turn to miles" I couldnt deny that. He was very right.
"Okay, I get it. but I think you should go easy on me."
"I will decide that."
We talked abit more, he made sure I knew why he felt the need to punish me. I got what I wanted by him being easy. He started with his hand, then went to his belt. It was short. then he used a homemade paddle type thing we have, for some minor offenses that occured over those two days. (sass, attitude, etc)
"Just want to make sure our roles are re-established and you know im not giving you an inch" He said as he paddled.
Overall the spanking was easy. Completely pain free come morning.
I am happy to know that if I ever really wanted to end DD that I could; But as much as being punished sucks, I dont see myself doing that anytime soon. I get comfort in DD.
Melly
Friday, 6 January 2012
To My Daughter
This is a completely vanilla post and has nothing to do with DD. If you read my post before last you know I was pretty upset on newyears eve. Well after I got off the computer I decided instead of being sad, I was going to make myself happy for when midnight struck. I wanted to bring the new year in happy. I started thinking about all the good things that happened this year and my mind kept on thinking about how my daughter changed me. - So I wrote the following.
I have been on earth for almost 20 years, but 2011 was by far the best.
In January 2011 I entered my 3rd trimester. It was hard but you were worth every backache, every foot ache, every foot in the ribs, every hospital trip, everytime I threw up.
When April came and I went in to labor, you were worth every back contraction, every ounce of pain, every strong kick i would do it all again.
When I held you for the first time, when your Dad placed you on my stomach, I fell in love. When I held your tiny 6 pound 10 ounce body, the feeling was like no other. You were worth every single minute of awakefull ness that was spent comforting you.
In 2011 I gained so much. This year I nursed a baby. This year I had a baby fall asleep on my chest, numerous times to boot. This year you taught me that I never knew true happiness untill I felt like my world was crashing down and all it took was you smiling at me to make it better.
In 2011 I saw you smile, I heard you laugh, I kissed your cheek, I held your hand.
In 2011 you made me smile, you made me laugh, you kissed me, you wrapped your little hands around my fingers.
In 2011 I witness you grow, you learn, you thrive.
In 2011 I watched you love.
In 2011 I loved. - I loved a deeper love than I ever imagine possible. I never knew something(someone!) so tiny could have such a drastic change in my life. But you, my girl, did.
I want to say that 2011 was the best year ever; But Im not quite sure if that is true.
Best year ever, YET, yes. But with everything I have experienced this year and with the knowledge of knowing that things will continue, I know things are only to get better.
How things can get better than best, I do not know, but we will see together. You and me.
I am so blessed to have you in my life.
I love you.
I have been on earth for almost 20 years, but 2011 was by far the best.
In January 2011 I entered my 3rd trimester. It was hard but you were worth every backache, every foot ache, every foot in the ribs, every hospital trip, everytime I threw up.
When April came and I went in to labor, you were worth every back contraction, every ounce of pain, every strong kick i would do it all again.
When I held you for the first time, when your Dad placed you on my stomach, I fell in love. When I held your tiny 6 pound 10 ounce body, the feeling was like no other. You were worth every single minute of awakefull ness that was spent comforting you.
In 2011 I gained so much. This year I nursed a baby. This year I had a baby fall asleep on my chest, numerous times to boot. This year you taught me that I never knew true happiness untill I felt like my world was crashing down and all it took was you smiling at me to make it better.
In 2011 I saw you smile, I heard you laugh, I kissed your cheek, I held your hand.
In 2011 you made me smile, you made me laugh, you kissed me, you wrapped your little hands around my fingers.
In 2011 I witness you grow, you learn, you thrive.
In 2011 I watched you love.
In 2011 I loved. - I loved a deeper love than I ever imagine possible. I never knew something(someone!) so tiny could have such a drastic change in my life. But you, my girl, did.
I want to say that 2011 was the best year ever; But Im not quite sure if that is true.
Best year ever, YET, yes. But with everything I have experienced this year and with the knowledge of knowing that things will continue, I know things are only to get better.
How things can get better than best, I do not know, but we will see together. You and me.
I am so blessed to have you in my life.
I love you.
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
He Wants To Start New Things
Well we are all moved into our new place, now to just unpack and everything and we are good to go :) J has informed me that because it is a new year, and we have a new home, that we should also have new guidelines. ugh. We talked about it last night and he told me that for now on he will be checking in on my medication. This is one thing that i will be more than happy to have his help with! When I forget a dose it really messes with my moods, i hate it. Its usually not a problem anyways so it should be okay. We talked about the importance of me taking them regularly though and for now on when i do forget them,there will be some kind of punishment. He also told me that he wants me to eat more regularly. I have a bad habit of not eating at regular times, and then when I do eat its not the healthiest things or just nothing at all. He said this is something that we should have worked on a while ago and it wont be tolerated anymore. Uhm, I can see this being a problem as old habits die fast, however it is a bad habit none the less and I agreed. Something tells me that I will have a problem sitting for the next little while.
One more rule that has been instilled is that for now on for every glass of pepsi I have I must also have a glass of water. I am borderline addicted to Pepsi. I don't drink coffee so to me this is my source of caffeine. I drink soo much that whenever I am thirsty I reach for pepsi - EVERY TIME. - I sadly never drink water. maybe 3 glasses a week. :/ Well we both agreed that this is unhealthy and also should have been nipped a while back. So i am suppose to mark down every glass i have and by the end of the day i better have the same amount of water marked down. We didn't go too much further into it yet but the system will work something like that.
I just wanted to fill this blog in on whats going on and this conversation because its part of DD.
I am so tired from moving so I am going to go find my man and hit the hay. I may get spanked first because I may have had major attitude earlier (Who me!?)
I hope everyone is doing well and getting a good start off to the new year.
Melly
One more rule that has been instilled is that for now on for every glass of pepsi I have I must also have a glass of water. I am borderline addicted to Pepsi. I don't drink coffee so to me this is my source of caffeine. I drink soo much that whenever I am thirsty I reach for pepsi - EVERY TIME. - I sadly never drink water. maybe 3 glasses a week. :/ Well we both agreed that this is unhealthy and also should have been nipped a while back. So i am suppose to mark down every glass i have and by the end of the day i better have the same amount of water marked down. We didn't go too much further into it yet but the system will work something like that.
I just wanted to fill this blog in on whats going on and this conversation because its part of DD.
I am so tired from moving so I am going to go find my man and hit the hay. I may get spanked first because I may have had major attitude earlier (Who me!?)
I hope everyone is doing well and getting a good start off to the new year.
Melly
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